I read through my posts on here and I realized, what I felt then.. it's so different from now. I know though, that if I go to bed without writing this it's going to bother me.
It's so easy to hear other people say wonderful things about how God changes your life, but not believe it or really think about it. Or once you do think about it, you wonder how you're supposed to believe it's true if you can't see it happening. I'm one of those people. I used to feel like I knew God. Who He was, is and will be. Now I hear people saying all of this stuff about Christianity.. and I'm doubting some things. Maybe this wasn't the encouraging post you were looking to read, but Christianity can't be dressed up as something it's not. It doesn't make your life perfect.
I remember something I tried explaining in front of a bunch of other people, but no one seemed to get what I was saying. God never leaves you. We're the ones that abandon Him. Once we accept God, He's always there.. but we don't always rely on Him. When we're not seeking God, how are we supposed to feel Him? I don't exactly think God has been working in my life lately; almost everything I've been praying for is happening the opposite way. I pray for health: I get sick. I pray my friends stay focused on school and don't get stressed: they're pulling an all nighter the night before a paper is due. I pray evil will stay away: Satan tempts me constantly. Although, I read a Bible verse the other day that said something like if we ignore Satan and don't give into temptation he'll flee us. I haven't exactly been good about not giving into temptation lately. It's just the comfort I've been wanting through prayer, church, & Christian friends hasn't been.. well, there.
I realize I have to do my part. Meaning, I need to read the Bible more. I need to trust God more. I need to stop giving into temptation so easily. I need to get my life on fire for God again instead of being this lukewarm Christian almost always contradicting herself. I say I want to feel God, but I don't want to live the way I should be living. Right now, I feel like I want to be close to God, but I want to have my own life too. I don't want my religion to take up all of my time. I feel like Christians are expected to be close to perfect in order to not be a hypocrite. I almost feel like I don't have room to make mistakes because of the way I'm raised. I feel like God will punish me for sinning. My pastor said,"thinking is not a sin." Or something along those lines. People get curious about many things, and it's just in their nature. So I have to remember that.
Lately, I've been going through a lot of things that I can help, but I'm so lost. I don't know where to start or how to fix things. I know most people I know would say God, Prayer, The Bible. It's just the more I try to figure out who I am and who God is, the more confused I become. I get this idea of who God is, and part of me knows it's inaccurate, so I ask someone else who might be able to help me understand better.I pray that I'd understand, but the more frustrated I become. I sometimes wonder why God created us. He didn't have to. Was it just so He could have someone worship Him? And if He's a loving, forgiving God, why in the Bible, does it give examples of Him destroying cities because people are doing wrong?
It feels like Satan and God are having a war inside of me. And that I'm just caught in the middle of it. These two halves of myself are constantly fighting. There's the half of me that wants my own desires and to live the life I want, and to just give up on trying to fix myself and accept who I am. But there's the other half that says, "this isn't right." or "God doesn't want this." My thoughts go in circles. Sometimes the line that determines right and wrong is so... unclear.. for lack of a better word. I don't know exactly what God wants/expects of me.. so I don't know what to do. I don't know what my parents want or expect out of me either. Right now, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Sure, I'm having these thoughts and MANY more.. but right now I feel like I'm just getting through the days because I have to. Not really because I have anything to live for or look forward to. I enjoy being around friends and family, don't get me wrong. It's just I know there's something more than how I'm feeling about God and life.
I'm not sure where I'm going with any of this. When I try to think about what I can do to fix things and get close to God, I just go in circles, like I said.. and it makes me want to ignore the whole thing all together. Overall, I just don't feel like God is taking His time to help me because I've been a terrible person. I feel like life is teasing me. The phrase "watch what you wish for" has applied a lot throughout my life. My prayers aren't being answered because I'm not doing what I have to do probably. I know God's there, I know Satan exists.. and I know both are paying attention to me. Sometimes I can't even tell what thoughts are coming from who... me, God or Satan.
I just am so fed up with being stuck in a rut. I don't want to feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis in highschool. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And life just seems way too short sometimes.. I'm starting to wonder a lot more what would have happened if I did things differently? What if I caught myself when I started to create my problems? Would I be where I am now? This anxiety disorder, or whatever you want to call it, and the bit of depression I'm going through is becoming a bigger part of Ashlyn than my interests and my personality, and whatever else makes up a person.. well that's how it feels sometimes. I feel a little guilty, or disappointed in myself. I'm not taking advantages of opportunities because of worry. I probably will continue to. I'll If I could go back and see where and when these problems I'm going through started, I'm not even sure if I would fix them. Sure, I don't feel like I've gotten stronger from anything I've went through right now.. but I'm hoping it's for a reason. Everything is for a reason, that's something I've always believed. I just don't know what the reason. And if you know me, you know that I always feel like I need to know the reason. In algebra I can't just do a problem and not want to know why I solve it that way. Anyway.
I don't really mean to complain. To other people this probably seems like no big deal, what I'm saying. But to me it is a big deal. It's something I'm struggling with a lot right now. I can push it aside, but sooner or later I think I need to deal with it. I've learned if you ignore a problem and don't deal with it, one day you just realize that it never went away. That's just the way it works. I feel like I'm going through more than just this.. and I hate it. I hate feeling the ways that I do. I feel like I can't do the things a "normal" teenager can do. I can try, but I'm scared. It's so hard admitting for me. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing and embarrassing myself. My fears go deeper than that though.
It's no fun always thinking about what's down the road. Maybe I've made it this way for myself, but I can't stop the thoughts. They come so quick, and by the time I've thought something it's already sunk in. I hate feelings that come along with the thoughts I have everyday. I hate just sitting at home and feeling panic. I hate being scared of life. I hate being sad to the point where I don't feel like I can move. I hate being sad to the point where I'm awake in the middle of the night crying. I guess that's just life, but sometimes I hate my memories. The feelings and memories I have are too real and painful. I've been avoiding these things because they make my head spin, and they make me feel like I can't breathe. I remember sitting on a hotel balcony with my mom and talking about things that I had never talked about before. It was terrifying.. and I don't know why I'd purposely go back to that place. But I have to learn to deal with things.
I'm so suprised at how many things are coming out right now. I didn't think I'd be able to write my thoughts out and make sense of them. I'm sure there are other things I can say, and I'll get to them in a second. If anyone reads through this, I want you to know I'm not trying to complain or get attention. I just need to get these thoughts out or I'm afraid they'll stay with me forever. My parents are always telling me I need to dig deep when I go to counseling instead of just talking about the little things. Even though the little things tend to add up.
I really just wanna be happy. Not to say that I'm not. It's just I wish I was more often. That might be unrealistic though. Life is not always perfect, like I said before. It's an obvious statement anyway. I hate some of the questions I ask myself, and I hate having things bottled up that people still don't know about. Sometimes, I think I'm dealing with things that I don't even know about. If that makes sense. I know what I like, and I know some personality traits I have. I guess I'm still figuring myself out. That's normal though, and I know adults that are still figuring themselves out. What I'm getting at is: I wouldn't trade in who I am.. or my life. I just wish some things were different. That I was more like everyone else. Maybe it's a gift or maybe not, but my parents tell me I'm a really deep thinker.. and I do sort of agree. I want to not have anxiety everyday about little things. I don't want to end up an adult that says "where am I going in life?"... "why did I waste all those years living like that?"... or regreting or worrying about anything irrational. I want to be successful and loved and not some freak, just like I assume everyone else wants. I have confidence in myself, I just don't understand myself a lot of the time. When I say I want to be more like everyone else, maybe I just mean I don't wanna think about things on such a deep level. My thoughts aren't just black, white or grey. My thoughts are every shade of color there is. I don't wanna feel like I'm the only one that I know going through specific problems because that's a lonely feeling. Sometimes, I don't even want to pull myself out of being sad because it's almost a safe place to be.
I probably repeated myself a lot. And not everything I said weighed equally heavy on my heart I guess. Some things were harder to say than others. I've met some amazing friends that are going through or have been through the same stuff I'm going through and that's encouraging. I'm just "sick and tired of being sick and tired"...lol. I have more to say, but I can't write everything out. I feel a lot better after getting this off my chest though.
